Futagoza's Response

I would say, that this phase of my life is called "Harsh Cleansing".

Ever since the start of 2009, my life has never been harder and harsher than it was before. Sure that the previous years I had more obligations, especially academically. However now I'm like a half-grown bird flying 3cm away from its opened cage, observing / analyzing the real world, before completely become a fully grown bird ready to roam the universe entirely by itself.

I became to experience more and more of social separation. To be honest, I've suffered several times from depression caused by probably -- God's will, for Him to show me the face of reality. Life is not always full of nice people. Especially, for people who chose a life like this. What I do, brings great impact. What I don't do, is questionable. My mental is severely trained that I've lost important relationships along the way. I've lost half of my faith and I've lost my personal dignity this month.

Last weeks, I decided to just withdraw. Just to cover myself under a thick blanket of regrets. Why is it that all the good things I intend to do, are not well perceived by others. An example of this comes in my career. Trying to build a flawless music career (if there are flaws, let there be flaws in my music). Yet I can't control everyone's work of mind, thus others' focuses are slightly shifted towards something that I did not expect. But it happened anyway.
Career is not just the only thing. My personal quarrels, social life, personal beliefs, broken ties, forming ties, are all clashing. The main cause of these clashes is because I chose to be what I am.

I am a public figure. Like it or not. As much as I try to convince people that I'm just some girl who wants to do music.
I'm human therefore it's possible that I'm not always right. What can I do, though.

It is not easy for somebody like me to maintain a friendship, and it is not easy to find newer ones. I need more effort to find my right niche, because people are very good at manipulating faces, I must say. "Operation to take Sherina down". The artificial truth has blend its way to my reality (reality= you call this the 'backstage' of my life as, 'public figure')

I'm here to satisfy the public crowd. But I need the strength to be ready to that fact that the very same crowd can suddenly dissatisfy me, regardless of how much I've tried to keep things in control.

Until, one random day, I felt that I had to watch, "Interview with The Vampire". It's like a magical calling.
After watching one whole movie (brilliant movie), I was eager to re-read my long time favorite novel, "The Vampire Lestat". A thought came to me. It might sounds foolish but I've found my long lost love. I'm not alone. Even if he is fictional, Lestat is somebody that I can very much relate myself to. I recommend you all to start reading "The Vampire Chronicles" by Anne Rice. Try to understand the agony if you are given the choice to be immortal.
Lestat's relationship with Louis, Lestat's relationship with Nick, and last, Lestat's personal sorrow. His spirit to travel and to spice out his very long life has brought others to think of him as a rebel, a brat. He gives them love by passing on his 'dark gift' to his fledgling, unaware of the possible future that his 'lovely' fledglings would bring to him. Love to one person can be perceived as hell to the reciever who is blind at heart. I really recommend you to read all of it. Really. Because I cried after.


It's a savage garden I'm living in. (Pic: Tom Cruise as Lestat, Brad Pitt as Louis)

Not long after, I began to realize God's love. He loves me, and I don't want to be someone who is blind at heart. Let others do that to me, but I don't want to worth the same. I have to learn to love Him. As harsh as it is, I'm still one of His students. In the end it is me and Him. He knows what does happen and what does not.
I'm not saying that I'm suffering alone here. God has shown me His true pupils. The ones who believes in me and my strength. The ones who are willing to support me without anything to lose. I must say in the end that I'm very lucky, for Him to give me a hard time. As harsh as it is, through painful separations to the recent rape rubbish rumors: the parasites (found everywhere: friends, my bad habits, ill willing people) have finally shown themselves. I just have to keep believing Him even if I might go downtracking for some while because I can't always always keep a straight face.

Looong silent sigh. Let's start a brand new day.

A quote from my mom: Bergunjing adalah diharamkan. Membuka aib seseorang saja sudah merupakan salah satu bentuk dosa. Apalagi mengarang aib seseorang. Fitnah.

To the creative rumor starter; you have freakin piss the head out of me however may God forgive you for causing all this commotion. You could've put your creative mind for other uses.

To the media, thanks for giving me the chance to clarify everything. No thanks, for chasing my Mom down to PIM. No thanks for disturbing my family. My career has nothing to do with them and the risks are not theirs to handle. It is mine to handle. And, oh, don't be such drama queens for elongating matters that have NEVER HAPPENED to begin with. So not cool.

If you speculate that I'm the mastermind behind all this for the sake of sensation for my next album, you are terribly wrong. Why would I risk my name for sensation. It's a matter of rape and dignity. The past months I've tried my best to avoid any gossips (even 'dating gossips' to start simple) because I want my album launch to be the focus. I wouldn't appreciate the moment when others give out questions surrounding rumors during the session. So it's really unfortunate that this ridiculously false rumor appear around this time.

Can someone translate this post to Indonesian? I'll repost it up with your name. All the words in my head came in English, and I didn't want to lose the moment. Teehee thanks.

Happy harsh cleansing.

Geminipride.